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mnoonan@wlup.com
Mike Noonan was born June 25, 1974, in southwest suburban Orland Park.
The youngest of three children by 9 years, Mike’s birth was
quite a shock for his parents. They never did get over their grudge
against the maker of Trojan-Enz.
And the disappointment that shrouded Mike’s arrival in life
only continued....and worsened. In fact, the only thing more pock-mocked
than Mike’s acne-riddled face as a youngster, was his wholly
unimpressive scholastic and disciplinary body of work. The only noteworthy
aspects of Mike’s teen years were his flirtation with Satanism
and obsession with Aqua Net, both stemming from his epic battle in
the late 80s to overcome a debilitating mental malady now known as
“Adam Curry Syndrome.” As a “Curry Kid,” Mike
exhibited some of the classic symptoms of this disfiguring disorder:
Uncontrollable mullet growth, the incessant need to don faux leather
jackets covered with zippers, a penchant for NFL-themed Zubaz, and
the need to exist in a near-constant state of (censored) bliss.
One period of tepid artistic accomplishment began in 1988 when Mike
embarked on a career as a mediocre rhythm guitarist for such formidable
Chicago and Midwest bands as Disgrace, Quick ‘N’ Easy,
Mr. Ed, Capacity Zero, and Coyote Love. Never seen ‘em? You
are not alone. At any rate, Mike’s teen years were spent marching
to the beat of a different, and often times, very bad drummer.
In 1996, at Illinois State University, Mike put the wraps on a lackluster
collegiate career that elevated truancy and intellectual dishonesty
to previously unimagined heights.
That same year, Mike was rudely introduced to the peculiar mores of
his chosen career when he was unceremoniously fired by phone from
his first “real” radio job in Bloomington, IL. That was
just the first in a remarkable and improbable string of firings that
would have made even the late Billy Martin blush. In just seven years,
Mike held more positions than the Kama Sutra....and all of them twice
as painful. Mike was fired from jobs spanning the employment landscape,
such as short-order cook, chipper-truck driver, radio news writer,
sewer and water main repair peon, advertising salesman, rock radio
night jock, and even as the morning shlub at an oldies radio station.
Decorum, space, and several court orders prevent listing more of Mike’s
career low-lights here.
Mike currently lives in Naperville with his wife and two kids. To
wit: We’re not sure which of these factors looms largest as
the root cause of Mike’s inability to get laid. Yeah, it could
be the “Naperville” part. Or the “kids” part.
Good call. Maybe, just maybe though, in the words of the sage poet
of our times, Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead, Mike was just simply “born
to lose.”
Listen to the weekend Loop to experience for yourself why The Mobile
Times-Herald says Mike has "the most velvety throat since Linda
Lovelace." The Albany Register-Review raves: "It's like:
There's a party in Mike's mouth, and we're all invited!" We at
Mike's psychiatric office think you'll agree: Mike Noonan is truly
the best thing to come out of Chicago’s Irish-American community
since low-wage construction workers!
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