After school special
1/25/2013 8:45:00 AM
Take it from a fictional Chicago character: Rob got kicked to the curb for refusing to grow up.
Q: My girlfriend and I both went to high school this year, and it was an exam time all January. I don't even remember the last time we met, maybe 1.5 months ago. She says she is super busy with studys now, and speaks with me quite rare. Today we met first time after exam time, and she still did not have enough time to meet as we usually did. And now I don't know how to get her time back, how to make her meet me often as it was always, instead of studying 24/7?
If it helps, we are quite different personalities, she is hard working girl, who wants to graduate perfectly.
I don't really care about any school, she did my homework when we were in school together. I skateboard ...
When creeping, just keep it on the down-low
1/24/2013 8:03:00 AM
You may think you look like this when you're checking us out... but you probably don't.
Q: At what point does checking out a woman become creepy?
A: That depends, are you using a pair of binoculars? Looking into a private home? Are you Superman and using your X-ray vision? Because all of those things are bad.
Unfortunately, this is a very touchy, case-by-case problem. It requires constant information monitoring and analysis, which can be understandably difficult if the only thing your brain seems to be registering is, "Boobs!" But I'll try to set a few basic guidelines.
If a girl is not looking at you and you're not with your significant other, ogle away. She won't be the wiser and the bros you're with are probably doing the same. If the girls turns and notices, don't look away immediately in embarrassment - you're not in the fourth grade anymore. Just ...
Let's take off our judgment pants
1/23/2013 8:37:00 AM
Q: I'm dating this girl and every time we go out she always orders bud light or coors light and its so stupid there are so many good beers and cocktails and when she does this it just makes me think she is dumb and closeminded and WHY DOESNT SHE DRINK SOMETHING MORE DELICIOUS LIKE HEINEKEN OR CORONA OR MILLER LITE?!?!?!?!?!
A: Why do you scratch your balls? Because you like it. I also assume you're buying a few of these beers? Why are you complaining that she's opting for the cheap stuff? Let the girl drink what she wants.
Also, I take issue with your taste. Are you honestly telling me that Miller Lite is that much more superior to Bud Light? That's like picking between Evian and Ice Mountain bottled water. They're both light beers, they're both a shade more flavorful than water, and at the end of the ...
A three-way is non-returnable
1/22/2013 8:01:00 AM
Your fantasy will probably not turn out like this.
Q: My girlfriend really wants me to let her get gang-banged by a bunch of dudes for her birthday (including me). I'm a little uncomfortable with that, but I've always wanted to have a threesome (or more) with a bunch of girls. Should I say okay on the condition that I also get to bang a bunch of girls?
A: Personally, I'd be pretty darn pissed if someone put a condition on my birthday present... "Happy Birthday! It's a puppy! But you can only have it if you buy ME one..." Sorry, but no dice.
I don't know your life, but it sounds like this would be first time you guys would be inviting other folks into your bed. If you've been dating for a long time and don't make a habit out of such pillow parties, I would recommend strongly against letting ...
Why trends belong on the runway, not in the bedroom
1/21/2013 8:35:00 AM
Trends come and go, but men will always be mystified by anal sex.
Q: I'm a male of the boomer generation and was wondering “ Is anal the new vagina?” Never did that but the pornos always end up showing that????
A: Can people birth human beings out of their recta? Then no, anal is not the "new vagina."
I'd like to take this opportunity to point out the dangers of porn. Porn, like Star Wars or The Lord of the Rings or a Cubs World Series win, is a fantasy. It's meant for escape and indulgence, not to be used as a means for picking up your newest move in the sack. When the couple on screen have anal sex, that's like Luke using the force for telekinesis; it's a fantasy, because you want the actors to do things sexually that you don't (you're not paying to watch two people act out your ...
Chivalry isn't dead, it's just very, very upset
1/18/2013 8:39:00 AM
"You, good sir, deserve a medal."
Q: Why if a guy is continually chivalrous, it becomes an act of habit for the girl to just sit down in the car when the door is opened for her, or walk through the door that was just opened for her, yet not show the gratitude after she's become "used to it"? BUT when the guy forgets, or is in a hurry, or maybe being spiteful for all the missed "thank you's," the girl will be very quick to notice and provide a snide remark like, "HEY! Aren't you going to open the door for me?"
A: Wow, you're really nursing that rage cocktail, aren't you? Any stories about when you were picked last for the kickball game or a 12th birthday un-vitiation you want to share?
I'm going to do something I hate. I'm going to turn to the dictionary. Let's just see ...
Just hold her damn hand
1/17/2013 8:02:00 AM
See how nice that looks? That's why he's the president."
Q: My girlfriend is always wanting to hold my hand or kiss or be touchy-feely in public. I'm a private kind of guy, and it makes me uncomfortable. How do I tell her to stop?
A: Is there a slimy tentacle where your girlfriend's hand should be? Does she perhaps have some creeping, infectious disease? Then you have no excuse for your revulsion.
I can understand if you don't want to suck face outdoors, thereby forcing passersby to observe that your girlfriend does in fact have a tongue ring. But that's called exhibitionism, not PDA, and the two are vastly different (you can get paid for one of them). Should your girlfriend want to play tongue hockey in the park or at a restaurant, do your best to turn it into a single, passionate kiss, then suggest you two head home, away ...
"Text" is definitely a four-letter word
1/16/2013 8:10:00 AM
This is how I feel when you text-ask me out.
Q: Is it ok to ask a girl out via text message?
A: That depends. Is this a Skype date with a girl in another country? It isn't? Then no.
Look, I'm old-fashioned. I'll admit it. I prefer to call someone over texting in most instances, date-asking aside. I'm also a big fan of putting in some effort. You know what takes the minimum amount of effort? Texting. That's like telling a girl you want to cook dinner for her, then heating up a can of Spaghetti-Os. The female sex deserves better.
Aside from the laziness factor, it also denotes level of cowardice. It's a lot harder to get a live, in-real-time rejection than via text. You have to be ready with a gracious concession speech while holding back a torrent of choking sobs. Okay, it shouldn't be that emotional, but ...
The system called "Reciprocity"
1/15/2013 8:31:00 AM
This guy knows how to get to third base. Do you? Photo: SD Dirk/Flickr
Q: I am always showing love and affection to my girl friend and she loves that I touch her and want to go down on her. But she doesn't touch me or go down on me nearly as often. Without asking for the same sort of attention, what can I do to increase her attention giving?
A: I'm sorry, but isn't the same behavior in women - expecting our men to just read our moods and minds - the very thing that drives men insane? So why on Earth would the role reversal increase your chances of success?
Look, it's great you're a... giving... boyfriend. It's a rarity, and you should by no means alter that course of action. But continually going down on your girlfriend will not make her wake up and smell your sex drive. And ...
The subtle art of manscaping
1/14/2013 8:13:00 AM
Don't ever use this on your crotch, okay? Not ever.
Q: Do you like it shaved or unshaved?
A: I'm going to go ahead an assume you're referring to yourself, and that "it" is your manly bits. Because otherwise, I really don't know where this question could be leading...
The answer is neither and somewhere in between. Have you ever heard of the term "manscaping"? Yes, it's a stupid buzzword used to fill up the grooming pages of Maxim. But as insipid as it sounds, it's essential to not sending the ladies running to the authorities screaming that not only is Bigfoot alive, he lives in Chicago. Basically, it's keeping things well trimmed. There should be enough there so that we're not worried that you're a well-developed eight-year-old, but cleaned-up enough so we can see that you're unmistakably of the male sex. We shouldn't have to guess at what's under that forest.