See how nice that looks? That's why he's the president."

Q: My girlfriend is always wanting to hold my hand or kiss or be touchy-feely in public. I'm a private kind of guy, and it makes me uncomfortable. How do I tell her to stop?

A: Is there a slimy tentacle where your girlfriend's hand should be? Does she perhaps have some creeping, infectious disease? Then you have no excuse for your revulsion. 

I can understand if you don't want to suck face outdoors, thereby forcing passersby to observe that your girlfriend does in fact have a tongue ring. But that's called exhibitionism, not PDA, and the two are vastly different (you can get paid for one of them). Should your girlfriend want to play tongue hockey in the park or at a restaurant, do your best to turn it into a single, passionate kiss, then suggest you two head home, away from prying eyes. That way it's not a rejection, it's an invitation to something better. 

But if she just wants a hand-hold, arm around the shoulder or back, or quick smooch, you're going to have to suck it up, frigid britches. Unless she's rubbing your back during your office's budget meeting, any suggestion that she remove her hands from your person is an immediate red flag. It suggests that you don't want strangers to know that you're with her whether that's true or not, and frankly, that just feels like shit. You went through puberty (probably); you can empathize with that emotion.

Let's just pick apart your aversion for a moment. Do you even like this girl? Do you find her attractive? If so, don't you want the other males in the pack to know that she's the one warming your bed every night? And now this sweet girl who I assume lights your manly fire wants to hold your hand in public and declare the same statement. Hang on a second while I play the world's smallest violin for you. There are some people in the world who can't get anyone to willingly hold their hand and are forced to console themselves with D&D and Harold's Chicken. Which would you prefer to be: The guy with the hot, attentive girlfriend or the guy sitting in his basement getting drumstick grease all over his character sheet?

Listen, no one is judging you, no one thinks you're whipped, and no one is offended by you holding your girlfriend's hand. Everyone sees a perfectly normal behavior exhibited by couples the world over, so it's time to put on your big boy pants and just grab her damn mitten.

Have questions you can only ask a woman? Send an email to TheGirl@wlup.com.