Why trends belong on the runway, not in the bedroom
1/21/2013 8:35:00 AM
Trends come and go, but men will always be mystified by anal sex.
Q: I'm a male of the boomer generation and was wondering “ Is anal the new vagina?” Never did that but the pornos always end up showing that????
A: Can people birth human beings out of their recta? Then no, anal is not the "new vagina."
I'd like to take this opportunity to point out the dangers of porn. Porn, like Star Wars or The Lord of the Rings or a Cubs World Series win, is a fantasy. It's meant for escape and indulgence, not to be used as a means for picking up your newest move in the sack. When the couple on screen have anal sex, that's like Luke using the force for telekinesis; it's a fantasy, because you want the actors to do things sexually that you don't (you're not paying to watch two people act out your ordinary Friday night, right?), and you really want Luke to use some metaphysical power to be a complete Jedi badass. But if some guy tries to jump you in an alley, you're not going to extend your hand to some out-of-reach pole and expect it to fly through the air so you can fend the bum off. By that same token, you shouldn't trust the chick on screen who's getting paid to moan and gyrate. It might be porn, but there's still some acting involved.
Secondly, vaginas are amazing. They are incredibly complex organs that can do awe-inspiring things like give birth and spark national political debate. Straight men seem to be rather fond of them, as well. An anus... is just an anus. Just about every animal on the planet has one in one form or another, and it serves one purpose: To poop, and fart occasionally. To suggest that such an orifice can replace or even sub-in for the resplendent vagina is ridiculous.
Sure, some women enjoy anal sex, and they should keep on doing it if that's what rings their bell. But EVERY woman enjoys vaginal sex. Know why? Because that thing is specifically kitted out for pleasure. It's an evolutionary failsafe for reproduction: It feels great, so we do it again and again and again, just to make sure those sperm are finding their target (thankfully, we've put a cap on that evolutionary development with birth control. God bless medical science).
For this reason, I'm slightly dubious of trends in sex. By all means experiment, try new things, keep it fresh, but don't ever suggest that there's some new trend that is going oust good old-fashioned vaginal sex for heterosexual couples. Anal sex isn't like a Flock of Seagulls haircut or bellbottoms, you're either into it or you're not.
Finally, a history lesson. Anal sex is not a new thing in any way. In fact, it's sometimes called "doing it the Greek way," referring to the popularity of the practice in ancient Greece, long before homosexuality was accepted there. Notice how I'm applying historical fact here, not what goes on in some balls-crazy porno?
To sum up: 1. Don't watch porn and think, "Yeah, chicks totally dig that!" 2. The only way anal could be the new vagina is if you are a newly self-discovered gay man. If that's the case, go for it. Otherwise, ask permission first.