Rob Hart's Blog
Snow Job
Posted 2/4/2013 10:29:00 AM

Just because I’m from Chicago doesn’t mean I have to like the cold. 

For the first time this winter, we had a halfway decent snowstorm.  For some reason (I’m sure a weather guy or gal can explain this) the snow tends to come in the middle of the night.  Good for people who go to work at a normal time – the roads are clear.  Bad for guys like me who have to get up at 3:30 AM.  The plows have yet to be deployed, so it’s just me and the trucks on the expressway – trying to improvise the lane lines. 

Here is the point in my winter rant where you say YOU LIVE IN CHICAGO IN THE WINTER WHAT DO YOU EXPECT IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT YOU SHOULD MOVE BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

Well, I’m from Chicago.  I guess if I have to move “back to where I came from” I’ll move to Downers Grove, where I spent the first four years of my life.   With the exception of the 6 years I spent in Milwaukee…I’ve pretty much been a Chicagoan.

Look, I know about winter.  I know about the cold.  I know about the snow.  But I don’t have to like it.  I’m a mammal, and despite the fact that we are a hearty Clade, we tend to thrive in temperate climates.  55-75 is a good temperature range. 

The cold weather is an implement of torture.  Where did Stalin send their enemies of the Soviet Union?  

Siberia.

You know what happened to people when they were exiled to Siberia?

They died! 

That’s because it was too cold to live.  We need warm weather to survive.

Here’s where it gets complicated.  People who want to escape the cold weather tend to move to places like Florida and Arizona.  Florida and Arizona are full of crazy people.  Peruse the “weird news” section of any newspaper or website.  Half of the dumb criminal stories come out of the Sunshine State.

That’s a conservative estimate, by the way.

As for Arizona?  It’s full of snowbirds.  Imagine the crabbiest old person in your life.  They are angry at everyone and everything.  Guess what?  They’ve moved to Arizona and they are making laws.  The state constitution has been replaced by an angry e-mail forward from someone’s uncle. 

The constitution is written in the comic sans font and ends with SEND THIS TO TEN FRIENDS IF YOU CARE ABOUT AMERICA.

Perhaps, there’s some good to winter after all.  When the weather is perfect all the time, your mind starts to focus on other things.  In Florida, you might want to get drunk and juggle lawn darts.  In Arizona, you might want to make it a felony for young whippersnappers to walk on lawns. 

In Chicago, your mind is too focused on hating the weather to think about doing anything stupid.

See, I found a bright spot after all!

Posted By: Rob Hart  

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