God Bless Global Warming
1/15/2013 5:00:00 PM
OK, I know that sounds horrible, and its not really true either, but man I sure was glad that I was able to hop on my Harley last weekend and take one of those rare winter rides through the frozen hills of Northern Illinois. I mean, if 50 degree days in January are the result of global warming then I’m going to seriously consider spending a couple of hours each day releasing magnum sized cans of Aquanet into the atmosphere. Think about it, Chicago could be the next San Diego. Perfect.
O, I know, but that might kill the cute baby penguins and force polar bears to die of sunburn while floating out into the warm sea on the remains of some dissolving iceberg.
Yes, that could very well be true, and sad though it is, as concerned Americans we must look at all sides to this global warming issue. Dead sunburned arctic wildlife on one side, millions of joyous Harley Davidson enthusiasts on the other…. Who wins? Let’s look at the facts in a fair and impartial comparison.
First off, 70 degree average year round temperatures in Chicago mean I don’t need a car and I can ride my Harley ever single day. I’ll save gas, insurance, less toxic fumes in the atmosphere, less traffic congestion, and more money for me to spend on helping the economy recover. This sounds good not only for me, but for all of mankind, and I’m all about helping out mankind.
Now the other side.
Penguins are not edible by any means. If they were edible, you and I could pick up a bucket of the Cornels crispy fried Penguin parts at KFC this afternoon. All penguins do is eat fish, walk funny, and poop on the ice. If they were gone, there would be more fish in the sea, which helps oceanographic ecology, and less poop in the arctic, which would make barefoot Eskimo’s much happier I’m sure.
Polar Bears are mean. They kill baby seals, and you and I love cute little baby seals. Less polar bears means more cute baby seals swimming around, which I’m sure would enjoy the extra fish left over from the penguins demise. Enough said.
The bottom line here, global warming is good for Chicagoans, the economy, and baby seals.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise. - Paula Poundstone
OK, everything sounds good so far. I’m ready put the truck in the garage and keep the Harley out full time, but can we help global warming along? Is it even real?
Back in the 70’s, scientists were all up in arms over an impending ice age doom that was coming and, as we hear a lot these days, it was going to cause an end to life on Earth as we know it. Just like the lost Mayans, nobody hears from those scientists anymore. Bueller? Bueller?
This cooling has already killed hundreds of thousands of people. If it continues and no strong action is taken, it will cause world famine, world chaos and world war, and this could all come about before the year 2000. -- Lowell Ponte "The Cooling", 1976
First it’s too cold. Now it’s too damn hot. Look, all I want to do is ride my bike year round. Do I release the ozone killers or not?
Alas, (wow, I just used the word alas), I’m not sure anything can be done. Chicago is perfect the way it is. If it was warm all the time I would bet a glorious slice of deep dish pizza people would start complaining that it never cools off. Let’s be honest, Chicago’s cold winters give us locals so much more appreciation for the warm summer days that we milk them for all they are worth.
What is light without dark? – Lord of Darkness (Legend)
Well, I’m not going to leave Chicago. I grew up here, it’s my hometown. I love it when it’s blowing ice cold wind off the lake at 40 miles an hour, and I love it when the heat is making the pavement buckle on the Kennedy. I guess I’ll just keep taking advantage of these rare warm days during winter and ride when I can… which reminds me, deep dish pizza sounds like a damn good idea right now.