Talk Derby to Me
5/2/2013 8:23:00 AM
Before any race horse is officially named, it must first be approved by The Jockey Club who is responsible for maintaining The American Stud Book. These folks have a helluva sense of humor, are dangerously naive or they are a confused combination of both when consenting to these thoroughbred names.
Nut Buster (1942)
Blow Me (1945)
Golden Shower (1955)
Go Down (1963)
Cum Rocket (1969)
Ménage Á Trois (1974)
On Your Knees (1977 and 2005)
Spank It (1985)
Bodacious Tatas (1985)
No Fat Chicks (1988)
Pleasure Me (2000)
Can you imagine had these horses raced in the same era? It could have made for a stimulating, err, exciting, I mean, interesting call from the track announcer…
“It’s Spank It and Pleasure Me from the start and then Go Down, On Your Knees and Blow Me up against the rail…. At the turn, Menage ‘A Trois leaves no No Fat Chicks behind but has Bodacious Tatas in sight!… Passing Golden Shower is Cum Rocket!!….Now it looks to be Nut Buster and there is Cumin up ahead!!!…”
With names like Vyjack, Oxbow, Java’s War, Orb and Golden Soul entered in the 139th “Run for the Roses”, it should be safe viewing no matter who is within an ear shot of this year race. But still we can make immature cracks about “studs”, “geldings” and, of course, there is always the reliable “So why the long face?” joke that’s sure to get a charity chuckle from audiences of all ages.
The first time I attended the Kentucky Derby I bet on the winning horse. And I spent like a lottery winner from Big Bone Lick, KY after cashing in my winning slip. That night thanks to a horse named Go for Gin, many mint juleps were poured for lots of Kentucky strippers who were mostly named after perfumes, sports cars and Greek Goddesses.
That was 1994 and I haven’t picked a Derby winner since.
But my 18 year dry spell hasn’t discouraged me at all. It’s called the “most exciting two minutes in sports” for a reason (and I've always prided myself in making the most of out of 120-seconds or less)