Jokes Jay Rejected By: Gino Giovannetti
Gino Giovannetti is a member of the “Jonathon Brandmeier
Show” on The LOOP--WLUP 97.9-FM Radio—and is a frequent
contributor to “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”
JOKES JAY REJECTED
The Week of April 23, 2007
Rosie O'Donnell announced that she's leaving "The
View" after this season..... Apparently they want
the show to go back to its old all-women format.
Heather Mills was finally eliminated from "Dancing
With the Stars" the other night..... You gotta
give Heather credit. When the season started, I didn't think she had
a leg to stand on.
In her blog, Sheryl Crow says we can help combat
global warming by limiting ourselves to one square of toilet paper
per sitting.....And today Nicole Richie asked, "What
do I do with the other half?"
Sheryl Crow is backing away from her recommendation
to use one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit.....Sheryl says
a "horse's ass" like Karl Rove can use
two squares.....
One square ot toilet paper per sitting? That sounds like a great idea--if
you live in Ethiopia.....Incidentally, the Olson
twins announced that they will share a square and Al
Gore has vowed to limit himself to one roll per sitting.
Speaking of toilet paper, a Staten Island man pushed
his mother down a flight of stairs, gagged her with toilet paper and
demanded money.....Here's the worst part: It was used paper.....The
mother was listed in critical but "squeezably soft" condition.
A Florida woman who bolted from the store without
paying because she had the runs has been charged with petit larceny.....Police
say the were able to crack the case by "connecting the dots."
In New York, a Verizon employee
smashed his co-worker in the head with a field-test phone, giving
him two black eyes and a broken nose.....Can you hear me now? Can
you see me now? Can you smell me now?
An 81-year-old Alabama woman has been arrested for
dealing crack cocaine..... Two things you never want to see in one
sentence: "81-year-old" and "crack."
A 14-year-old matador had his lung punctured when
he was gored by a 900-pound bull in Mexico City.....The
young matador's injuries were so severe, doctors say it could be weeks--even
months--before the boy comes here illegally.
Michael Skakal, the Kennedy cousin doing 20 years
to life for the 1975 murder of a 15-year-old girl with a golf club,
is seeking a new trial. Skakal's defense during the original trial
was that he was in a tree masturbating at the time.....Which might
have been a good defense if he lived in the rain forest instead
of Greewich, Connecticut.
According to the Association of Flight Attendants,
one sixth of all flight attendants are men.....And of those, seven
sixths are gay.
Lay-Z-Boy is closing three plants and eliminating
500 jobs..... That's got to be depressing. "And why did you leave
your last job?" "I guess I was too lazy for Lay-Z-Boy."
Dunkin' Donuts annnounced that they will begin selling
personal-sized pizzas..... The pizzas will be healthier and less fattening
than traditional pizzas because of the large hole in the center.
Wal-Mart announced that they will open up to 2,000
health clinics in their stores over the next decade.....Health
clinics at Wal-Mart, is that a good idea? "Angioplasty? Right
between Housewares and Garden & Patio".....The clinics are
primarily for people who do not have a doctor or medical insurance--like
Wal-Mart employees.
They're holding a special two-hour charity edition of "American
Idol" entitled "Idol Gives Back.".....Proceeds
from the show will go to support Bono's favorite
cause-- sunglasses.
Angelina Jolie has filed a petition to legally change
the name of her latest adopted son to Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt.....Which
is a lousy name for a child-- but a great name for a junior college.
I am so tired of political correctness. First it was "Take
Your Daughter To Work Day." Than it was "Take
Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day.".....Now on the
set of "30 Rock" it's "Take Your Rude Thoughtless
Little Pig To Work Day."
And finally, and not a moment too soon.....
A man jumped onto a table at London's Zizzi restaurant
Sunday and severed his penis with a steak knife.....A word to the
wise: Stay away from the "bangers and mash!"
SONGS
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