Gino Giovannetti is a member of the “Jonathon
Brandmeier Show” on The LOOP--WLUP 97.9-FM Radio—and
is a frequent contributor to “The Tonight Show With Jay
Leno.”
Jokes Jay Rejected for the week July 10th, 2006
A Chicago podiatrist has been charged with sexually
assaulting a 76-year-old woman he was treating for a foot ailment.....Isn't
that always the way? You give 'em a foot--they take a mile.
For the first time in its 35-year history, Southwest Airlines
is experimenting with assigned seating.....It used to be that only
drunken Southwest pilots got assigned seats.
A study in the Archives of Opthamology reveals that
eating a diet rich in fish can help prevent blindness. That's the
good news.....The bad news is, your eyes will eventually slide to
the sides of your head.
According to a study in the Journal of the American Medical
Association, giving the elderly household chores such as
washing dishes, vacuuming and climbing stairs will help them live
longer.....So now when you tell gramps to clean out his own pants,
you're actually doing him a favor.
Sylvester Stallone turned 60 the other day. At Christmastime,
Sly is releasing "Rocky Balboa," his sixth "Rocky"
film.....The only difference is, at 60, Rocky trains for the big fight
by using his scrotum as a speed bag.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, more
Americans went to the movies last year than visited the doctor.....The
study is not considered to be scientific, however, because some movies
like "Basic Instinct II" were so bad they made
people sick.
At a meeting of television critics in Pasadena, Dan Rather
announced that he has signed a contract to host a TV news program
on Mark Cuban's HDNet, high-definition network.....Terms of the deal
were not disclosed, but Rather will have the same title he had at
CBS--"disgraced journalist."
On "Larry King Live" last week, Kathy "D-List"
Griffin said she ended her marriage after her husband used
her ATM card to steal $72,000.....And today her ex-husband defended
himself saying, "Heh, where would Kathy come up with $72,000?"
A Manhattan judge has ruled that a South Carolina
woman who dumped a New York man after finding out that he was married
can keep the $40,000, 3.41-carat engagement ring he gave her.....To
make a long story short: She got the ring. And he got the finger.
An Iowa woman who was fired from a door-making company
after injuring her back was awarded $1 million in a wrongful termination
suit.....What goes around comes around: She made the door. Then she
was shown the door. Now she owns the door.
According to a study in the Proceedings of the National Academy
of Sciences, having several older brothers increases the
likelihood of a man being gay.....I guess that explains that whole
Cartwirights, "Bonanza," Hop-Sing thing.
A Malaysian man has been fined a buffalo
and a pig for breaking a tribal custom by taking a second
wife.....Here's what I don't understand: If you're a Malaysian guy
with a buffalo and a pig what do you need a wife for?
Today (July 14) is Bastille Day.....Commemorating
that day in 1789 when the French people stormed the Bastille prison,
"head-butted" Louis the 16th's guards, and started the French
Revolution.
The annual G-8 Summit of the world's leading Industrialized
nations is underway in St. Petersgurg, Russia and already President
Bush is causing controversy.....Apparently whenever anyone says "G-8,"
Bush jumps up and shouts "BINGO!"
And finally, and not a moment too soon.....
A Muslim prison inmate in Multan, Pakistan had a
light bulb removed from his anus after a 90-minute operation.....If
that sounds painful, consider that the lamp and nightstand are still
missing.
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