CHICAGO -- I first read it in the Saturday 5 May
edition of the Chicago Tribune. Under the byline, William
J. Kole, the Associated Press article posed the question
that essentially asked "Are apes people?"
In 1982, two baby apes--Hiasl (pronounced HEE-zul) and Rosi--were
captured in Sierra Leone and smuggled to Austria to be the subjects
of pharmaceutical experiments. The chimp shipment was intercepted
by customs officials who referred the primates to an animal shelter.
Twenty-five years later, the animal sanctuary where Hiasl and Rosi
have been hanging out is on the verge of bankruptcy. Food and veterinary
costs for the apes have risen to almost $7,000 a month. And that doesn't
count the cost of a private school education.
Wealthy donors were quick to pick up the slack for the apes' upkeep,
but Austrian law prohibits apes from receiving personal donations
because, well, chimps are not people. Not yet anyway.
Animal activists argue that if Haisal can be granted legal status
as a "person," he will not become "homeless."
And as a person, he can accept donations and have a legal guardian
look after his interests.
"Our main argument is that Hiasl is a person and has legal rights,"
says Eberhart Theuer, an attorney representing the Association Against
Animal Factories in Vienna. "We mean the right to life, the right
not to be tortured and the right to freedom under certain conditions.
We're not talking about the right to vote here."
APE THE VOTE!
If you're going to go out on a limb and declare apes as people, why
not let 'em vote? Barely half of the eligible voters in the U.S. vote.
And many of those voters have trouble naming the vice president.
U.S. presidents in recent elections have been elected with less than
50 percent of the popular vote. And to make matters worse, we still
don't know how to count the votes. In fact, in states like Ohio and
Florida, they'd be better off counting the votes on their fingers
like apes. We've already got a white man in the monkey house. I mean,
a monkey in the White House. So I say, let 'em vote!
U.S. WAY BEHIND "APE RIGHTS" CURVE
While "Ape Rights" may seem preposterous here in the U.S.,
Western Europe has been debating this issue for some time. They base
their argument on the fact that chimpanzees share 96 to 98.4 percent
of their DNA with humans.
Spain has been pushing for a national law that would grant some human
rights to apes. The Spanish initiative is based on The Great Ape Project
that would extend fundamental moral and legal protections to apes
including the right to life, protection of individual liberty, and
the prohibition of torture. The Spanish proposal would also ban private
ownership of apes for employment and entertainment.
New Zealand in 1999 granted apes, gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees
and bonobos rights as "non-human hominids" which provided
protection from slavery, servitude, mistreatment, torture, death and
extinction. They also banned ape vivisection.
GORILLA SUITS
Few people would advocate the mistreatment or torture of our closest
evolutinary cousins. But Austrian animal rights activist Martin Bullach,
president of the Association Against Animal Factories, has taken it
several steps further.
Bullach contends that granting apes human status would mean that Haisl
would be capable of owning something as opposed to being
owned. And that ownership would accord him the right to manage his
own money, or have a guardian do it for him.
Following this labyrinth of reasoning, Balluch and his ilk maintain
that Haisl would be free to sue the Viennese vivisection
laboratory that smuggled him from Sierra Leone against his will. And
because Haisl was abucted, he should be regarded as an "asylum
seeker."
If you thought the judicial system was clogged with frivolous lawsuits
now, wait until the onslaught of gorilla suits come to fruition. "How
the heck am I gonna come up with 750,000 bananas?!"
A SLIPPERY SLOPE
Protecting apes from involuntary servitude, torture and extinction
is one thing. Crossing the species barrier and granting apes legal
human status is another. Once you make this legislative leap, where
do you draw the line?
Property Ownership: Attorney Theuer tells the AP,
"If we can get Haisl declared a person, he would have the right
to own property." Well, there goes the neighborhood.
Imagine spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a high-rise condo
only to find that a significant portion of the units have been reserved
for low-income, mentally challenged apes. If the stench doesn't kill
you, the declining property values will.
Immigration: At a time when we face terrorist threats
at home and abroad, granting legal rights to apes could cause chimps
from all over the world to cross our borders en masse.
It's difficult to estimate the drain this will have on taxpayers and
the economy in terms of lost jobs and wages, healthcare, education,
welfare, and the criminal justice system. With an immigration reform
bill stalled in Congress, can we permit millions of apes to enter
the U.S. without proper credentials or documentation?
Mark my words, it will beome politically incorrect to refer to "illegal
apes." Soon they will become "undocumented primates."
Employment: While it may be true that apes will do
work that a lot of Mexicans don't want to do, the vast majority of
apes are relatively unskilled. They can, however, make crude weapons
and tools, pick fruit, and they're excellent climbers.
By enlisting apes in a guest worker program, we can ensure that they
are a social and economic asset to their communities and the nation.
Education: Primate behavior experts such as Jane
Goodall and Volker Sommer maintain that apes are capable of cognitive
thought and possess rudimentary language skills. So what if your daughter
can't get into the University of Michigan Law School because they
have accepted a precocious chimp with a sub-standard LSAT score in
her place. The benefits of diversity on campus are paramount.
Freedom of Assembly: The right to assemble, peaceful
protest, freedom of movement and access to public venues and institutions
will enable apes to assimilate into our society more easily. But do
we really need a "Million Monkey March" on our nation's
capital?
Public accommodation rights for apes would require them to be served
at stores, hotels, restaurants, bars, nightclubs, etc. So much for
"no shirt, no shoes, no service." Did you ever try to put
a sweater vest and a pair of Dockers on an ape? It ain't easy.
Right to Keep and Bear Arms: Charlton Heston, who
knows a thing or two about the Second Amendment to the Constitution
and apes, knows that the only thing scarier than a pack of wild monkeys
is a pack of wild monkeys toting guns. And yet, threatened by extinction,
apes must be granted the right to keep and bear arms.
Military Service: Once we clear a path for apes to
come here on temporary work permits or visas, can we in good conscience
deprive them of their right to join the Armed Forces? Despite the
best intentions of the president and Congress, a "don't ask/don't
smell" policy is rife with moral and legal ramifications.
Legal Drinking Age: I've always maintained that if
an ape is old enough to attend college or serve in the military, he
or she ought to be able to enjoy a good, stiff drink. The only thing
more fun than a barrel of monkeys is a barrel of monkeys on single-barrel
Jack.
Legal Driving Age: If apes are going to have equal
employment and educational opportunities, they should have the right
to drive a motor vehicle, even if they don't have valid drivers' licenses.
Of course, they must be at least 16 years old and refrain from getting
behind the wheel after they've been drinking or while talking on a
cell phone.
Religion: Our nation was founded on the principles
of religious freedom and separation of church and state. In 1948 the
United Nations declared religious freedom to be a universal human
right. As legal human entities, apes should also enjoy religious freedom.
Even if that means worshiping shiny objects and their own excrement.
Marriage: Once apes enjoy religious freedom, can
we deprive them of the sacrament of matrimony? Do we permit marriage
between same-sex apes? Or do we merely bestow upon them the financial
benefits of "uncivil unions?" Who is to say that heterosexual
apes shouldn't have the same rights as homosexual Homo sapiens? Legalizing
Interspecies marriage would be a logical first step.
Freedom of Speech: Many primatologists are convinced
that apes are capable of communicating desires and emotions through
sign language, the placement of tokens, and the use of computer keyboards
and touch-screens, etc.
Personally, I'm convinced that apes understand English much more than
they're letting on--like Hispanics. Therefore, we should extend to
apes the First Amendment right of freedom of speech.
EXHIBITS HUMAN TRAITS
Haisl is said to have personality and shows "humanity,"
compassion, forgiveness and remorse. The 26-year-old chimp enjoys
painting, watching TV, eating yogurt and pastries, kissing visitors,
and dressing-up in knee-high rubber boots. Which means if he's not
human, he's at the very least Nancy Sinatra after plastic surgery.
"I consider him a friend" says Paula Stibbe, a UK citizen
living in Austria, who has had regular contact with Haisl since 1999.
"He greets me with hugs, kisses."
SPARSER HEADS PREVAIL
Stibbe has petitioned the Austrian courts to be appointed Haisl's
legal guardian. That would not only facilitate Haisl's legal status
as a "person," but would also ensure that the chimp could
not be sold to a laboratory or zoo outside Austria where animal cruelty
laws are less stringent.
On 24 April of this year, Austrian judge Barbara Bart denied Stibbe's
request on the grounds that by appointing legal guardianship for a
chimp, it could be assumed that humans with court-appointed guardians
were the same as animals.
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