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By: Gino Giovannetti
GINO RETIRES!
Veteran Quits After Checkered Career
May 8th 2006
CHICAGO -- “To-day-day-day, I con-sid-er my-self-self-self,
the most pa-thet-ic, thet-ic, thet-ic, man-man-man, on the face-face-face,
of the earth-earth-earth.”
In a tearful—and heartfelt—farewell, Chicago’s Gino
Giovannetti announced his retirement from the I.F.L.—International
Fornication League—today.
“It’s time to hang them up,” said Gino before a
sparse crowd at, ironically, The Pump Room. “And by ‘them,’
I don’t mean my spikes.”
Rumors of Gino’s retirement had circulated for months. But there
was a reason for his hesitancy.
“I wanted to wait until Brett Favre made a decision,”
says Gino. “I didn’t want my announcement to get lost
in the shuffle.
“Besides, just between you and me and the world-wide web, I’ve
kept my genitals in a safety deposit box up in Lake Geneva for a couple
of years now. Right next to the engagement rings. I hope to bring
them out for an old timers’ game or two. Or maybe for the company
picnic. But for all practical purposes, it’s over.”
Gino’s mediocre career began as a promising youngster in the
early ‘70s. In a sardonic twist to Bill Clinton’s infamous
‘is-is,’ Gino says “I was getting ‘it’
before I even knew what ‘it’ was. I could’ve lost
an arm!”
A “bump-and-grinder” who skated hard, dug girls out of
the corners at closing time, but rarely bagged more than 10 or 15
goals a season, Gino says he wants to go out, curiously, on top.
“I remember in 1973 seeing Willie Mays stumbling around centerfield
for the New York Mets in the World Series against the A’s. It
was sad. I want the girls to remember me making the running, over
the head catches, not falling down and throwing to the wrong base.”
Formidable Friend And Foe
Gino is revered by teammates and former lovers alike.
“Gino was the consummate team player,” says Tom “T.J.”
Joyce, a perennial I.F.L. All-Star. “Girls, I mean women, let’s
face it, old women now, travel in pairs. I could always count on Gino
taking the ugly, fat one out of the play.”
Oshkosh’s Michael “Mitch” Adams, another prolific
scorer who treated women like Mike Bossy treated vulcanized rubber
disks, had this to say about Gino.
“Very underrated. Both as a player and as a friend,” says
Mitch. “You steal his high school sweetheart, ram his head through
a windshield, and all he cared about is ‘Did we spill anything
or lose anybody?’ People forget, we almost lost a suburban mayor
that day.”
Oak Park/River Forest’s Warren “Boysie” McNeil recalls
the day he was inducted into the “I.F.L. Hall of Fame”
at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.
“Our rooms were in the ‘C-Section,’ as I recall,”
notes Warren. “Gino introduced me to this dancer from Cincinnati
who claimed to know Prince. It was years later before I realized it
was Carmen Electra. I still have the video.”
“Me, ‘The Squid,’ and ‘Roger-The-Dodger’
made those guys look pretty good,” recalls Gino fondly. “Whenever
we needed to score we sent their line out. Whenever we needed to disgust
and repulse, they sent us out. It’s all about chemistry.”
Women, while less effusive in their praise of Gino were no less impressed.
One woman, who insisted on being interviewed in silhouette while speaking
through a harmonizer had this to say.
“I donno. I was at Mondelli’s. It was late. I was drunk.
I boiled myself like a potato when he left. Please, don’t put
my name in the paper.”
Regrets, He’s Had A Few
Asked if he had any regrets about his career, Gino says “Hell
yes! Whatta ya nuts? I never did sisters. I never did twins. I never
did the ol’ mother-daughter routine. I was never in a foursome—except
at Cog Hill. And I never did Oprah. Oh yeah, there’s a lot left
on my plate.”
His biggest regret? “If I had it to do all over again, I would
have been a professional donor,” says Gino.
“Can you imagine hundreds—if not thousands—of little
mutant ‘ginos’ scurrying around swilling ‘Jack’
out of bottles and stuffing prosciutto in their mouths like Popeye
eating spinach while hurtling 90-mile-an-hour fastballs and spewing
monologue jokes? It would be insane. And at $50 a pop, I could’ve
been Bill Gates’'
Regarding developments in technology that allow players to remain
in the game while hitting it longer and straighter than ever before,
Gino says you have to know when to call it quits.
“I don’t want to cork my bat. I don’t want people
whispering behind my back that the balls have been juiced. And I definitely
don’t want to suffer the indignity of random testing. Besides,
me wandering around Rush Street like that at 60 would constitute a
national security risk, I think.”
Go East Young Man
As for youngsters just coming into the League, Gino has this to say:
“Eastern European is the way to go. Eastern European women are
going to revolutionize the I.F.L. much in the same way Eastern European
hockey players revolutionized the N.H.L.”
“These girls are smart, physical, beautiful and ambitious. They’re
talented, well educated, speak at least two languages fluently, and
they know how to treat a man.
“Besides, American women are vastly overrated,” says Gino.
“And frankly, I’m tired of their incessant whining. I
don’t know if rock beats paper or scissors beat rock, but I
do know that you give me a couple of double Cs and a silk purse I
wouldn’t be living in a one-bedroom apartment with a noose above
my bed singing Dean Martin songs to a cat.”
As for marriage, even at his advancing age, Gino scoffs at the notion.
“I’ve already been engaged twice,” says Gino. “They
call me ‘Lord of the Rings.’
“I regard the institution of marriage with the same skepticism
that Woody Hayes had toward throwing the football. Woody always said
‘Only three things can happen when you throw the football. And
two of them are bad.’ The same could be said for marriage.
“Lets ‘face it, the only reason to get married these days
is to have kids. And I don’t want to be 72 years old, wearing
a fedora, Ray-Bans®, and a navy seersucker suit pacing the sidelines
looking like George Halas watching my kid play Catholic League football.
Although it’d be a rush.”
The World According To AARP
As with most retiring players, Gino attributes his retirement decision
not to his declining skills, but to family concerns.
“I want to spend more time with my step-cats, Lucy and Oliver,”
says Gino.
As for specific retirement plans, Gino remains non-committal. “I
don’t know. Maybe I’ll retire back in Toscana and become
the ‘Poor Man’s Hugh Hefner.’
“I’ll stroll around Lucca in my pajamas—looking
more like Vincent ‘The Chin’ Gigante than Hef—with
three blond bimbos on my arm and on my payroll. And while I’m
sleeping and filling my adult diapers, they can be listening to their
I-Pods, drinking my wine and playing with their sex toys. That would
be nice."
Gino does intend to advance social causes, such as his annual Unwed
Mothers Golf Tournament, that are close to his heart. And in the most
startling turnabout since William F. Buckley, Jr. advocated the legalization
of marijuana, Gino has pledged to work tirelessly for the legalization
of prostitution.
“One way or another you’re gonna pay for it whether it’s
in drinks, dinners, jewelry, clothing, furniture, housing, art, cars,
electronics, trips—whatever,” cautions Gino. “I
just find cold hard cash to be preferable from an accounting standpoint.”
Fade To Black
While pondering his career, Gino seems resigned to being a mere footnote.
“Nothing lasts forever. In my own way, I’ve had a great
career. I’ve played on two continents in three languages. I
had my moments.
“To be honest, things went from bad to worse when Shelley Winters
died. I’ll never get over it. Now I’ve got all these pallets
of bon bons and vodka piled up to the ceiling with no one to share
them with. Life is cruel.”
Asked when was the last time he, well, you know, Gino feigns dementia.
“A gentleman never kisses and tells,” says Gino. I don’t
remember.”
But when pressed he admits, “I think it may have been during
the Eisenhower Administration. Yeah, that’s it. I remember now.
Ike was recovering from a heart attack. And I, too, was having palpitations.”
The highlight of his career? “Tough to say. Milano, 1980? Moscow,
1991? L.A. 2000? I don’t know. It’s all a blur.
The lowlight? “That’s easy. That would be the six of us
up in Waupaca or Weyawega or one of those CheeseHead “Deliverance”
outposts, dehydrating in a rented whirlpool on a trailer with the
lights out, not a girl in sight, ‘The Dodger’ experiencing
submerged ’rhoid rage, while we’re wallowing in said pool,
playing reel-to-reel tapes of owls mating so that we could watch the
silhouetted male owls descend to the treetops from all over Central
Wisconsin.
“If ‘The Squid’ hadn’t thrown a wet towel
on my head as I laid there on the bathroom floor like a bloated fish
out of water, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Renee O’Brien and Peg Doyle contributed to this report.
Gino Giovannetti is a member of the “Jonathon Brandmeier
Morning Show” on “The LOOP,” WLUP 97.9-FM. He is
a graduate of the University of Wisconsin School of Journalism and
also attended the Ernie Pyle School of Journalism at Indiana University.
The views and opinions of Gino do not represent those of WLUP Radio,
Emmis Communications, Inc., or anyone with a brain the size of a walnut.
Gino@WLUP.com
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