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Tag Archives: Wolverine

After ‘Logan’ – The worst X-Men ever

So, you’ve seen “Logan” and now you want to dig deeper into the X-Men universe. Be sure to skip past this dung heap of Marvel’s merry mutants; they’re the worst.

CYPHER – His power is understanding any language, which doesn’t really hold up alongside a guy who can shoot lasers from his eyes and a woman who can control the elements. Besides, you know what else has Cypher’s power? EFFING GOOGLE.

CHOIR – Her super power is basically ventriloquism, which she controls through ALL THE MUTANT MOUTHS ON HER NECK.

SKIN – He has six feet of excess skin that he can control. I have six feet of excess skin as well, only mine is the result of consistent taco-and-Polish-sausage-eating.

DAZZLER – A cooperative creation of Marvel Comics and Casablanca Records. Dazzler was intended to be a multi-platform star, destined for movies, live touring and the X-Men. Mercifully, her roller skates and disco ball never made it too far off the page (a few animated and video game appearances were it).

BEAK – Beak looks like a bird, but he can’t fly. He can do a little gliding. Maybe.

MAGGOTT – Holy hell. This guy’s digestive tract is really two sentient worms that bust out of his stomach, crawl around and can eat anything.

STACY X – This former mutant hooker has the power of using her super-pheromones to drive people to orgasm, vomit, and any number of things that involve body evacuation. She can also help teammates out by giving them an adrenaline boost. She’s like a naughty Red Bull.